It wasn’t as much of a subtle nudge as it was a punch in the face. I’d been familiar with getting little nudges from the Lord, like, “Hey, be present,” or, “Hey, have a little more compassion.” But this one was like a wrecking ball to the face of, “Hey, wake the hell up because the best writing you’ll have ever done up to this point in your life is going to happen right now if you actually put pen to paper or fingers to keys.” Side note: I’d also like to think this is how God talks to me, not in a scolding way, but in a blunt way like a friend who knows your deepest deeps and your darkest of darks. I think He would say this when necessary, in case you were offended by the “wake the hell up” part. God knows sometimes we need it.
Further and further, my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I am Yours. And You crash over me, and I’ve lost control but I’m free. I’m going under, I’m in over my head.
I’m thoroughly convinced there’s no better feeling than refinding a song that used to light. you. up. and when you find it again, it lights you up even more than before. I’m looking at you, Bethel Music.
I needed every single word of this song tonight, and maybe you needed it too. Look at God. My dependence has not been on God. I want to scream that from the rooftop. I want to admit it. I want to sit in it. I want to fully realize the reality of what I’m in the center of right now. I tried so hard to grasp for control that I totally lost it, and isn’t it funny that that’s where God usually finds us, or rather that we find Him.
The other morning, I sat in prayer for the first time in a long time that wasn’t a few breaths of prayer or some desperate plea on a car ride or just closing my eyes while my coffee is brewing in the mornings. It was real and rich and filled with desperation and remembrance of the Lord’s faithfulness.
The slow, transformative work of Jesus is happening literally right now, it’s just our job to wake up and notice it. And let Him continue to move in us, despite our stubbornness and self-deception.
I’ve been in survival mode, and I know that mode well. I’ve sunken deep into it before, where I compartmentalize everything to keep pushing. I work and work and work to distract. I take a lot of pride in staying busy. I watch a sad movie to get a lot of crying out and call it processing. This happens especially during seasons of transition, and I’m learning, even in seasons of really good and exciting transition. Stay busy. Breathe faster. Keep moving. Don’t dig too deep. My work becomes dry and tasteless because I let it, because I’m grasping for everything around me to provide some sort of comfort and stability when it was never their purposes in the first place.
You know your vices in seasons like these, you’re thinking of them right now.
But self-awareness changes the game for the most part. I can recognize my survival mode, and I can pray like hell to dig my way out, and I can try to make the right and healthy choices to get there.
So here it is. God’s doing a good work in you right now, even if you refuse to believe it. You are valuable. You are loved. Your value is not dependent on the work you are producing. You are worth it. You are fully known and fully loved in your darkest parts. He has hung a banner of Victory over us.
And these are not truths I have been speaking over myself every day, but these are truths God has spoken over me in the people God has placed in my life in this season. Jesus will always have the last word. And His words will always come out above our lies and self-deception. They do not hold a candle to the grace and transformative work of Jesus. God has already spoken over you ever word that you long to hear. Listen.
11 Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead. // PSALM 86:11-13 NIV
Train me, God, to walk straight;
then I’ll follow your true path.
Put me together, one heart and mind;
then, undivided, I’ll worship in joyful fear.
From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord;
I’ve never kept secret what you’re up to. // PSALM 86:11-12 MSG