Man, this one has been a long time coming. The past few weeks have held a lot of transition, a little too much change, getting back into rhythms that seem foreign, some grieving, bits and pieces of processing, and a whole lot of desperately trying to rely on the Lord. Quick recap: I started my senior year of college yesterday (WHAT, I KNOW). Camp ended roughly 3 weeks ago, and there has been a lot of texting and FaceTime and phone calls trying to make it through that transition, but all sweet things. My family is in the process of moving out of a house we’ve lived in for a very long time, so there has been a ton of prayer and processing and packing up all that that held. There has had to be a lot of remembering that my actual family is home and the house is not. I’m still trying to navigate what grieving looks like and trying to take it one day at a time with the loss of a little friend who passed away at the beginning of the summer. There are a lot of road trips planned for the next few weekends, which I am beyond excited about. A couple weekends ago, we helped one of my best friends get settled into her new hometown and plan a wedding (ALSO WHAT!!). I’m in the process of getting back into regular rhythms with best friends and figuring out what the future is going to look like. I’m getting settled in with a sweet new roommate who God knew I needed in this season. It’s all been a lot but also something that has been so sweet, and I have felt God constantly caring for me in the details of every day.
Every day I’ve gotten to wake up and decide I want to do my days with God, and although it isn’t always the easiest, it’s always the most comforting because it means that I recognize that my grip on my days, memories, the people around me, everything really, has been so tight. I try to hold onto every single moment for dear life, and I miss the next one coming. In His kindness, He has shown me how to loosen my grip and trust what He’s got coming next, slowly but surely. I feel His kind and comforting reassurance every single morning.
This summer was wild. And I wish I had words that did the Lord’s work justice. Wild. Holy. Golden. Painful. Fruit-bearing. Faithful. Trustworthy. All of it. I could use all of those words. There’s a lot of peace in knowing that I serve a God so strong that my words will always be inadequate because that means I don’t need my words to be strong enough to stand on. I need His Word to be strong enough to stand on, and I have seen that in every single detail of this summer. He is matchless in the way He weaves our days together and cares for us in the details.
I never want to tire of singing praises to Him or doing good work in His name. It’s easy to get trapped in the idea of doing things to glorify ourselves or to just check off a to-do list, and I know we all do it from time to time, if not very often. This is the way we plan our days, what’s the most productive or what will make us feel the most accomplished. When I serve or do something good, I want it known, but God has been kind enough to humble me and show me that I am known, but I am known by Him which is such a gift that pales in comparison to being known by any human.
These weeks following camp have been very overwhelming. There are days when I want to find a specialist to turn my phone into and disconnect again or that I want to wake up and put my name tag on or that I miss having meals prepared for me so that was the last thing I had to think of. It’s a ton of little things I never knew I was taking for granted. I’ve had to acclimate to the real world again in ways I never imagined I would have to. I miss sweet little giggles every place I walked and the times we would stop wherever we were to pray with each other because it was such a natural thing to do. This life with school and an office job and to-do lists feels like it fits a little too tightly, and I’m having to settle back into it.
The hardest thing might have been realizing that the world kept moving when we were up on that mountain. There was still grieving to be done and bills being paid and moves being made that we got to be blissfully unaware of for 2 months. It was beautiful. It was probably the most comfort I’ve ever felt from God in the way He cared for me in the details of my days, the moments I was walking to breakfast and seeing sleepy little faces trying to get breakfast and wake up or moments when I got to listen to a ton of little girls scream about how Jesus called their names and they ran out of the grave. We walked on holy ground all summer. We watched girls say yes to Jesus for the first time in their lives. We watched girls say yes to him again and again. And it was the most beautiful thing I think I have ever been a part of. We watched their course of eternity be changed right before our eyes.
And then there were the people. I have never been so surrounded by so many women on the same mission, who wake up every single day craving nearness to the Lord and desiring to glorify Him in everything they did. They taught me how to serve earnestly, humble myself, and love so fiercely, most in ways they will never fully know.
These are people who walked back into the dark with me with a light through to Jesus, even in moments when they didn’t realize it. I sat in the back row of our last night together as a full staff during staff worship and heard, “You are for us, You are not against us,” and I had heard this song so many times before, but I sat there and all I could think was, I believe that You are good. I believe that You are for me. This is the first time I have believed that You are completely good.
I’d never really believed He was good, and I remember praying near the beginning of the summer that He would show me that He is good every single day, and He did. My stomach is flipping and my heart is pounding when I type that. He is so good, and I wish there were a bolder way to proclaim that. He is for us. He is enough. He is the strength in our weakness. He is kind enough to show us brokenness because it means that we know it falls from His design. His goodness was soaked in every detail of this summer, and something I’ve left camp realizing is that that same goodness soaked in the nights of worship and the early breakfasts and the walks around the lake is the same goodness woven into the details of every single day for us. The God I encountered for the first time on that little mountain is the same God I get to walk with every single day.
During that last night as a full staff in worship, one of my best friends pulled me in after the first song and said, “I want to encourage you at some point to stop singing and just listen, and you can’t tell me that’s not what Heaven is going to be like.” It was moments like that when it felt like their was no veil at all, and Jesus, in His kindness and sweetness and mercy, was showing us what the Kingdom looks like, that we would spend the rest of eternity praising Him and worshiping Him in all that we do and with all that we are. If I have walked out of this summer with more confidence in anything, it is this:
He is so good to us. He is so faithful. He is for us.
“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” // 1 Corinthians 10:31