A few nights ago, I sat in the passenger seat of a dear friend’s cars, the same passenger seat I sat in 6 months ago while I cried out of desperation and questioned the goodness of God and His love, but this time I sat in the passenger seat and held her hand and cried because of the fire inside my heart and the reassurance that God is GOOD and LOVING and that is something to celebrate. I love that God places me in the same places to show me His goodness and steadfastness in my world that’s constantly changing every time I take a breath. Like, I wanted to roll down the window and set off a confetti gun and sing painfully loudly because OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL. I want to scream that from the roofs of Ford. He is GOOD and He is in it for the long haul. We could learn a thing or two from Him about loving earnestly.
Love your people.
Love them with everything in you.
This is a post for my people.
You are so deeply loved.
And I hope I spend every day of my life showing you that.
Thank you for loving me too.
I woke up this morning feeling completely unworthy and unqualified. This doesn’t happen everyday. But today it did. I always imagine being elsewhere and imagine how much better it will be, and how much better I will be as a person, when I get there. But I call God my Father, which means I’m completely qualified and worthy for anything I’m encountering, especially the things that catch me off guard because He already knows. And I know it’s really easy for me to sit here and say that, but it’s another thing to believe it deep down to your core. That would mean that I…I can’t even imagine, really. I don’t know what that would mean for me or what that would look like. I imagine it would look a lot like freedom, which I’ve tasted. A little bit. Or maybe I haven’t. I don’t know.
I feel God tugging my stubborn heart back into ministry. That’s what Perry and I were talking about when I started crying in that passenger seat, the happy tears and the confetti gun. I think God has knit my heart for some sort of ministry. I just don’t know what exactly. I don’t know if that looks like a future pastoral role or seminary or public relations for a church or making videos of refugees or giving a voice to the stories of God’s people. But it’s something I’m willing to look into now. I don’t know. I just know when I sing the words,
So take courage my heart;
Stay steadfast my soul.
He’s in the waiting.
He’s in the waiting.
Hold onto your hope,
as your triumph unfolds.
He’s never failing.
He’s never failing.
And You who hold the stars,
who call them each by name,
will surely keep Your promise to me,
that I will rise in Your Victory,
there’s a reason I cripple and cry. I feel God slowly making my heart come undone. Coming undone in the courage He’s steeped my life in. All from Him. Not so much like ripping scales off of the dragon to make him a boy again, but slowly reassuring me that this is my calling and this is who I am. I’ve been created to reassure children of God that they are WORTHY OF TAKING UP SPACE. That is one thing He is teaching me right now. I am worthy of inhabiting the space. I am worthy of walking with my head up. This was the summer I learned to say what needed to be said and start walking without looking at the ground. This was the summer I started to learn to stop being small. Being small doesn’t serve His Kingdom.
“Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.” // Anne Lamott
Stir our affections for You, oh God.
There was a time a while ago when I was stupidly joyful , in the best way possible, like it would’ve blown your mind. I was completely captivated by who God is and who He says I am. I remember writing one time, “He also calls us all the things He calls Jesus. Pure. Holy. Blameless. Righteous. And THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. It makes me want to run a marathon and dance in the rain and shout it from the rooftops.” Y,all, I wanted to RUN A MARATHON because of my God. And I am delighted to say, those are the same feelings I have right now that make my heart beat out of my chest and send me over the moon. THIS is the stuff of joy. I want to know intimacy with Him. I want to be completely immersed in Him.
When we live in close-knit community and continue to focus only on the way we feel about certain things and allow those feelings to lead us in navigating living in this community, it can be a trainwreck. In my last post, I addressed that love being a choice, especially when it comes to your friends and the community we live in. I talked about the way that love is not a feeling and we don’t qualify love by gauging our feelings as warm or cold, but we get to qualify love by embodying the image of God that we were created in and making His Kingdom more and more of a reality in the moments we all get to share in here on earth.
I want to be so filled with God that every part of my life pours out praise to God and every facet of the gifts He has given me glorify Him completely.
May the days of my life be a display of the goodness of the Holy Spirit.
When I was off of social media for two weeks (a couple weeks back; do this and you won’t regret it), I got to appreciate the beautiful things around me, in my presence right now and not long for the things I thought were beautiful in someone else’s life. It made me present. It cultivated gratitude. And I don’t want to lose that.
So this may have been completely scatterbrained, but it just goes to show you how much He can teach and jam-pack love and goodness into our lives.
“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” // PSALM 139:16
“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” // PSALM 16:6
CURRENTLY I’M… #4
Learning: About the history of the Church. How to disciple people. How to become a minimalist (on the good days). How to receive grace. And how to do live sound. I LOVE IT. My detail-oriented, logistics-craving brain is being fueled right now.
Reading: Prince Caspian + Wild and Free + Acts (+ a commentary on Acts).
Eating: Blueberries + dried mango + Kind bars.
Excited about: INTERNSHIPS + Community Impact Teams focusing on Identity in Christ. Honestly, just this school year. Correction: life. I‘m excited about life. Like, find me some confetti and some pink party hats, and let’s get this celebration started.
Needing: Jesus. Every minute. Every day. Dependency is actually the greatest. And probably another cup of coffee, depending on when you’re reading this.
Thinking about: Everything all at once all the time. Boundaries. The sweetness of the Holy Spirit. Lots of feelings.
Thankful for: my people. Through the awkward and messy and celebratory and joyful and sorrowful. They are here, and they keep showing me how near God is. They make me want to throw a party and write thank you notes every day of my life.
Listening to: The new NEEDTOBREATHE album and it. is. fire. “Testify” and “Let’s Stay Home Tonight” are personal favorites. Also, Hillsong’s Of Dirt and Grace album is phenomenal. Also, more Audrey Assad (“Breaking You”) and some old Grey’s Anatomy soundtracks. And some Luke Bryan. So really I’m all over the place and just feel a lot of joy from singing at the top of my lungs.
So stay awesome and love every minute of this Monday. Maybe throw a little dance party. Buy some more thank you notes. Drink the extra cup of coffee. Maybe have dessert for breakfast. You deserve it. Also, thank Jesus. Happy Monday.