God is still good. God is still good. God is still good. I’ve held that sentence in the palms of my hands more often than not for the past 6 days. I’ve repeated it. Standing in the laundry room. Walking from Econ to work. Making my coffee in the morning. Churning out homework. Reading through letters. Checking my mailbox. Crying with friends. Making dinner. Riding in the car. Laying down at night. Checking out at the grocery store. Waking up at 3 AM. God is still good. God is still good. God is still good.
It’s really easy to say that when life is still moving and fast-paced and you know that right now He doesn’t feel good but deep down you know He really is. It is a hell of a lot harder to keep repeating that when you’re alone or you’re trying to reflect and process and drink deep of every emotion you’re feeling because there isn’t happiness in all of it. Yes, there is joy, it’s just covered in a lot of mess. A lot of it. I can keep telling myself I had plans for my future as much as I want to, but those are not the plans that God had for me. He intercedes when He knows we are in over our heads. And THANK GOD.
God is with us. What a promise. The most basic and the most overlooked for me. I want to recognize His presence, but I often refuse to receive Him unless I feel like I “have my life together” (whatever the hell that means).
I feel like I haven’t had a lot of intentional conversations lately, until this morning. I found myself telling this awesome friend that I didn’t trust God, and that’s what He’s working in to teach me more about courage and His character. When it comes to my relationship with God, I’m a bit of a control freak. I want to know that He’s going to bring my plans into fruition, but that’s actually not what He wants to do. His plans are so much greater (and stronger) than mine. I had this person in my life that I allowed to call the shots and set the plans and I began to settle down, and if you know me, I’m not a settler or a person to get comfortable. It’s true that I don’t like change, very true, but I’m also independent and spontaneous and a bit crazy at times. I stopped letting God lead me and started to receive plans from everyone around me. I wanted to take about 10 different roads at once, none of which were God’s plans. It took these past few days for God to truly humble me and give me peace and say, “Hey, it’s my turn to call the shots. Are you coming with me or not?”
Almost a year ago, I was running across campus wondering if God was good or not. I was letting the wind burn my face, and I was listening to the words, “Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You. And all I wanted was just to be with You. Come and do whatever You want to.” And now I feel pulled back to that place, not wondering if God is good or not, but saying, “God, please come and do something.” And now I have this space that I can really intentionally be with Him. I can invite Him into all this mess and ask Him to work in me, and I think that He delights in those prayers of desperation.
It’s going to suck. And it’s going to be hard and painful and messy and filled to the brim with hurt. There will be awkward hugs and awkward conversation and awkward glances and questions and anniversaries and would-have-beens and could-have-beens and plans that still linger with a bittersweet aftertaste. And it’s going to suck.
And I don’t have a conclusion to this post for you, I’m going to be completely honest. This is a work-in-process, and I’m okay with that. I don’t know how to trust, but I’m finally willing to surrender my expectations and my wimpy, man-made plans (in comparison to how magnificent God’s plans are) and fully accept what God is working in and through me. I’m being refined and made new and I can feel this tug in my heart for greater things that I have no idea about yet. I’m being washed clean in this.
I am reassured with His overwhelming and indescribable peace. I have only ever felt definitive, so close to real it was almost tangible, peace a few times in my life, and I can honestly tell you this was one of the times. God did me a solid when He made things blatantly obvious for me. He said, “I know you’re going to question and doubt yourself like crazy, but right now, in this moment, I can tell you that you are 100% making the right decision.” There are definitely gaps where the enemy tries to sneak his way in and speak lies where there was once comfort and security. But I find the ultimate comfort in knowing God created the darkness and knows it like the back of His hand.
A few months ago, I felt God constantly saying, “Don’t move without Me.” And I think now I actually see that playing out in the things that have happened in the past few months when I really sit and reflect. There is courage required of us to wait on the Lord, and He knows that. He is constant and faithful and never-changing. Those are the things about the character of God that I admire the most right now. He is constant. What a beautiful thing that His love isn’t conditional or wavering, but that He is the steady hand that reaches into our mess and pulls us out of it.
As of right now, trusting looks like one day at a time leaning into God and letting Him show me newer things. One day at a time. Shepherd takes an entire new meaning, but I am trusting that He does have greater plans than I have tried to build. In terms of imagery, which I’ve always leaned into the most, I can see my house being a shack and paling in comparison to whatever He’s doing. I can feel Him deconstructing this little house of plans and expectations brick by brick. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. Does God know what He’s doing better than I do? Of course. Will I continue to lay down my life to Him every single day until it sticks? I’m going to try my hardest. One day at a time. That’s what I have to keep telling myself. One day at a time. And to the people who are reading this and could feel a tiny bit of worry, I’m doing alright. I’m hurting, but I feel peace too. One day at a time. I’m doing well, and I hope you are too. One day at a time. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I hope God’s pushing you out on ledges and out of your comfort zone too. Let Him. One day at a time.