What am I learning right now?
- Simple things. I feel a draw towards minimalism. It’s more in my thought life than anything else, which is strange. I think I try to make up for the chaos that is my thought life by striving to cut other things out of my physical life. It’s an interesting cycle.
- He’s never going to let us out of His embrace, so it’s time we stop running and shoving away. He wants us. And that is really awesome.
- Anxiety is still a thing, but not if you relinquish control. Not if you decide you want Jesus to do His will in your life more than you want to control things out of your control.
As You call me deeper still. As You call me deeper still. As You call me deeper still into love. You’re a good, good Father. It’s who You are. It’s who You are. It’s who You are. And I’m loved by You. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are perfect in all of your ways.
This song has been an anthem for me for quite a while now. And I was reminded of that as I sat into the balcony of our college chapel, photographing our first church service of the school year. I was completely prepared to navigate the night, have some awesome time with this community, and have little emotion involved. Wrong. I sat in the balcony as Brad & Lisa started to play this song. And I just sobbed. The tears just flowed. The tears just washed me clean. And I felt the comfort of a hand on my back and just let the tears come. It was so beautiful. I think this song with always cripple me in the best way possible, as if He’s saying, “Remember your dependency on Me. Remember that’s where you will find your strength. In Me. Always. One hundred percent of the time, in Me.”
“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” // Psalm 30:11-12
And today, I started my sophomore year at Berry. How weird is that? SO surreal. I’m just like, “Hey God, if You could make time stop and speed up all at the same time, that would be awesome.” Transition phases twist my mind into weird things. I can’t get anything straight at all. And it’s awesome because God is awesome and if that’s the only thing that will get me through this Monday, then we’re going to be okay, friends.
I have a tendency to overplan. I get it stuck in my mind how I want things to be and that’s the way it’s going to be, especially when big things are happening, like the beginning of the school year or the first day of anything. I try to plan and prepare and map everything out. I’ve noticed a pattern though: nothing ever goes the way it’s “supposed” to go. And I have finally realized I think that’s God trying to show me that when I try to control things, that’s when I steer myself wrong.
I always think of those lyrics, “I’ve lost control but I’m free,” in times like these because THAT is so true. When I’m just like, “Here God. I’m sorry I took this situation or time from You and tried to control it myself. Forgive me for it,” then I can see His perfect plans. It’s almost like taking off foggy glasses.
There’s a really beautiful song a friend showed me at the beginning of freshman year, and I just refound it, and it may have been the greatest thing to find on an overwhelming night like tonight. Jesus, You’re beautiful.
When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
And I can tell you that even as my first day of sophomore year is coming to a close, there is this little storm going on in my heart but a huge settling peace all at the same time. It’s so overwhelming that it makes me want to run and find a hiding place to cry and rejoice and speak alone. But then I remember, He is a hiding place. He is a beautiful hiding place for me.