I see you. That’s what God says to me in my moments of discouragement. I see you & I acknowledge you, even if you don’t realize it. You might not know what I’m doing yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything. I think so often when we don’t see results, we assume that nothing is being done. I am guilty of this. I want results. I want to be aware. I want to know all of the behind-the-scenes work that gets me where I’m going, but unfortunately, or fortunately, God doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a mess of a board game & God is control of all of the pieces. Much like the life-size chess game in Harry Potter where Ron gets nearly obliterated. Yeah, some days I feel like that ginger kid who almost died while trying to be a knight in a life-size chess game. So don’t feel alone in feeling under-the-weather/discouraged/at-a-loss-for-words-or-encouragement-or-inspiration.
Sometimes, I’ll get into these little rough patches. Nothing dramatic or traumatic has occurred. Nobody has died. I haven’t lost anything near and dear to me. There are just days when I am more aware of my dramatic separation from God, like I’ll be waiting the next 80+ years to ever experience intimacy with the One who created me. And that might sound sort of hopeless. So don’t feel alone in your desert-minded state.
Sometimes, I get pessimistic like nobody’s business. I would consider myself a generally joyful person, but there are days when all I want to do is say, “Screw the world,” and I know you’ve felt that way too. I know that to be 100% true. All the wrong moves are being made. You’re saying all the wrong words. And you just keep digging a deep deep hole of crap. So don’t feel alone when you’re feeling glass-half-empty.
Sometimes, I like to cry. I like to turn on My Sister’s Keeper, crawl into my bed, and sob for a good hour. And then I feel better. I have no idea why I like to do this. I will also sit and watch wedding videos whilst eating dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans to make myself feel even more pathetic than I actually am. It just happens. It’s like a sadness coma. So don’t feel alone in your little lake of self-induced tears.
I want to shake things up. I never want to sink into complacency or feel thirsty for inspiration. I want it to just happen, which is why I let a friend cut my bangs last week. I hate that I feel the need to do crazy things to spice up my life though, like there has GOT to be something that I’m missing, that we’re all missing, and I can’t for the life of me put my finger on it. That’s where the frustration has come from and built up to the point where I don’t even know why I’m doing what I’m doing anymore, and it took some downtime to actually realize that. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing and that scares me.
What is my purpose? What have I placed my identity in? Where does my worth come from? Where have I established myself? Why have I established myself in these places? Why do I fit where I fit or gravitate towards the places I am?
The troubles of my heart, they’re tearing me apart. How I need Your saving hand to grant me a new start. Lonely and afraid, I call upon Your name. Save me from my enemies, and cover all my shame.
A cliche thing I constantly hear, but always rings true: A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. Just like eating a cookie doesn’t make you gain 30 pounds. It comes in waves & we take it in strides.
Sometimes I pray for rain. I do. And sometimes, a Saturday morning calls for a floppy hat, Land of a Thousand Hills coffee, and brunch in a small diner with my best friend, whom I hadn’t seen in over 5 months. And sometimes, just sometimes, you will become incredibly aware of the way God is handcrafting your encounters & helping you navigate your life. Today was one of those days.
Currently I’m… #2
Loving: Short weekends with family & friends, and working 40 hour weeks. I love it. I love consistency. And I love a good dose of home.
Learning: How to intentionally love myself well so I can love others well.
Reading: When Life and Beliefs Collide by Carolyn Custis James. I’m only a couple chapters in, but this book is all the good things about women and theology, one of the most big-difficult issues I’ve encountered. And I have plans to read all of the Harry Potter books over the next 3 months, but we’ll see how that actually turns out.
Eating: Dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans. Thai food. Homemade vanilla iced coffee.
Excited about: New people. Ministry. Discipleship. Inspiration. Photography. I get excited really easily, so this list could go on for days. Excitement for days. Joy in the simple things.
Needing: Baby cuddles. Things can get super chaotic in my brain, even if things aren’t crazy all around me. Baby cuddles help with brain chaos.
Thinking about: Watching another episode of Grey’s anatomy. I’m obsessed. Downright addicted. What I would give for a large honey almond latte and to crawl into my dorm bed and watch countless episodes of Grey’s. McDreamy & Meredith forever. (I’m on season 2, so no spoilers).
Thankful for: Forcing myself to buy a two-piece bathing suit much to my discomfort. I’m pushing myself out on a ledge & I am thankful for that. I’m thankful that the sun stays up later in the summer. For baby cuddles. For kitchen dancing. For coffee in the afternoons. For inspiration & dreams & brainstorming. For naps. For time with my mommy. For spontaneous moments. For beauty found in the littlest moments of life, like stumbling upon a new farmer’s market near my home with cute home decor & a coffee shop & organic food. I’m grateful for unexpected joy in things you didn’t even realize could bring you joy.
And sometimes, you will stop and realize how incredibly beautiful this life really is, despite the discouragement and technical difficulties. We get to revel in each others’ brokenness. How incredible, that we’ve been offered a seat at the table with the Most High God. And today, I rest in that: we have a seat at the table. And that’s where I find my worth.