It is definitely a Monday.
All I want to do is curl into a corner of one of the many buildings on campus, pull out my laptop, sip from my coffee mug, and scrawl out as many words as I possibly can. All I want to do is write. I’ve had this thirst for a few days now. I just want words and words and words. Not Spanish quizzes. Or forgotten Women’s Studies quizzes. Or papers. Or planning or to-do lists or last minute assignments or interviews or articles. Just words.
I think even the sky knew it was Monday, and it thought, “Nope. Not today.”
I almost cut my bangs again yesterday. You don’t understand how close I was. I kept turning over in my mind how awesome they would look (with my hair down or fixed into a bun…am I right or am I right?), forgetting how annoyed I’d be within 20 minutes of cutting them and having them in my face or how bothersome it would be to have to style them every day. I forgot all of those things and almost just chopped them off. I was so close. And I still am. So stay tuned on that one.
“Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.” // Psalm 139:23-24 MSG
He knows where your heart is today, and maybe it’s not in the best place it’s ever been, but there’s no pit too deep for Him. Let Him in. Let Him into the darkest parts of your heart. He can make you new. Redeemer & Restorer of your soul. I’ve heard when you get to the end of your rope, you should just tie a knot and hold on. I think it’s about time I tie that knot (no, not marriage). He’s pulling you in. He calls you WORTHY. He DESIRES your heart. Think about that. The God of the universe, who placed each star in its place, desires to know YOU. I’m not sure how many times I’ve typed those words, but have you ever really let that sink it? I know sometimes that’s hard for me to fathom, so I’ll keep saying it until it sinks deep.
Maybe your heart feels dark this morning, or maybe it has felt that way for a while. Rest in the fact that He knows that. He understands that & He understands your heart. How many “second guessing” moments have you had lately? Maybe one or two or maybe a bunch? And that’s okay.
A dear friend told me about these questions she asks herself every Sunday night to reflect on the week she’s had.
- How have you delighted in the presence of the Lord?
- How have you let your flesh get the best of you?
- What lie are you believing about yourself?
- Are there any situations in which you need to seek peace or reconciliation?
- What was your biggest accomplishment this week?
I think these are fantastic questions to ask yourself. Really evaluate your heart because I know that we all need it sometimes, sometimes more often than not.
I’ve asked Him to forgive my doubting heart. Every single day, I doubt. I’m immersed in it & consumed by it. For at least the past month, my heart has been consumed by so many doubts, if we’re being completely honesty. But I don’t think I’m the only person to ever struggle with this, which is comforting. I think that’s why the Lord puts community in our lives. He knows that we need these other believers to understand & to go through these hard times with us. Every day, you get to choose. Will you go through the motions or fight the beautiful fight? I’d like to choose the latter, thank you. And about being immersed in doubt, think about how much more immersed in grace we are…have you thought about it? I mean, really thought about it. It’s earth-shaking. It’s world-rocking. This grace on which I stand is everlasting & never failing. Man. Take that, Monday.
And maybe this is me preaching to myself this morning, but you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what needs to happen. Maybe you needed to hear this too. It’s not much, but just enough to keep you rolling.
I hope you have a wonderful Monday because you deserve it, and I’ll leave you with this.
My Help & My Deliverer
“I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
4 Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
5 You have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told.
6 In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,
but you have given me an open ear.[a]
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I have come;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me:
8 I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I have told the glad news of deliverance[b]
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.
10 I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.
11 As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
12 For evils have encompassed me
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
15 Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, “Aha, Aha!”
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, “Great is the Lord!”
17 As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!”
// Psalm 40