Every Single Morning.

i'm still here

I heard a quiet, but resounding, whisper this weekend. “I’m still here, Jenna.” I’m still faithful. I will still fill you with joy. I will be with you. I will not forsake you. I have chosen you. You are mine. I heard Him in the stars and in the coffee conversation and in the prayer with a new friend, Mary Claire (I can hardly form the words to describe her heart for The Lord, so I’ll leave it at incredibly inspiring & simply beautiful). I heard Him in the campfire and the family time and in the shaky hands. I heard Him the entire time. Finally, I see and hear His presence more continually. I see and hear His faithfulness. I see and hear His overflow of love into this world & my heart is full. I keep flashing back to that conversation this weekend and really thinking about it. That fullness and stillness and how one conversation can shake you up, in the best way possible. It felt different truly being poured into for a change. Clicking with new people has got to be one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.

I’ve been seeking inspiration for a long time coming now. I’ve been dry and pouring out of emptiness and desperately seeking fulfilling things. I’ve learned you cannot be fulfilled when you keep running off of superficial things and trying to fill yourself up with those things. You will end up more empty than before. I’ve been searching and searching and searching for inspiration. You look for it & you cling to it hoping that if you keep writing, keep word vomiting, something will surely come out. Pining over Pinterest & photographs & things that spark something inside of you just to find something to write about that will mean something to someone other than yourself.

What inspired me was meeting someone, other than a person from my home church, who truly understands Kairos moments. Mary Claire understood Kairos moments & we were able to share them with each other. A Kairos moment is a moment that the Lord presents to you to do His work. They are moments of impact, moments of action, and moments of destiny-changing opportunity. Embracing these moments and the people with the readiness to do something is called “Living a Yes,” which is a saying from my church back at home. There is one moment in particular this summer that might not have necessarily been a Kairos moments, but it was a moment I distinctly remember. It may be the closest to God I have ever felt in my life, and sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you’re capable of feeling that closeness.

If I could collect this moment and carry around this feeling with me at every moment for the rest of my days, I would be completely satisfied. I remember that night this summer, lying on a roof and just seeing the stars that God holds in the palms of his hands & I just remember feeling like that veil into Heaven was so thin in those moments. The chasm was so small. And then I remember that the veil was torn & something inside of me just burns for Him. Part of my soul lights up when I think about the stars & the vastness of the universe & how small I am in the grand scheme of things, but how great Christ thought I was and how much He loved me that He was willing, I would go so far to say He desired, to die for my sins so I could spend the rest of forever with Him. Forever, with the God of the universe. My Maker who calls me His masterpiece. He desires me, and I press on with the knowledge that He is within me. I feel so much love in these moments when I realize this. I was made to meet the Author of my salvation, and He seems so distant, but in reality, He isn’t far from each of us.

“Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be— you get a fresh start, your slate’s wiped clean. Count yourself lucky— GOD holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him. When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to GOD.” Suddenly the pressure was gone— my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared. These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we’ll be on high ground, untouched. GOD ’s my island hideaway, keeps danger far from the shore, throws garlands of hosannas around my neck. Let me give you some good advice; I’m looking you in the eye and giving it to you straight: “Don’t be ornery like a horse or mule that needs bit and bridle to stay on track.” God-defiers are always in trouble; GOD -affirmers find themselves loved every time they turn around. Celebrate GOD. Sing together—everyone! All you honest hearts, raise the roof!” (‭Psalm‬ ‭32‬:‭1-11‬ MSG)

So while I sit here with a medium Nutella latte in the greatest coffee shop I’ve ever known at 10:45 at night, I feel fullness in my heart. I understand that we cannot operate out of emptiness, and we must operate out of an overflow, so I will continue to work on that. I will press on. I will gain understanding. I will listen. I cannot give people my best when I am not full, and I’ve felt so empty. There have been various sporadic moments where I felt extremely inspired and pumped up for Jesus, but those moments are fleeting because I know they don’t spring from Living Water. I have not rooted myself in The Word for the past week or more, and I know that’s where the emptiness comes from. In all honesty, the desire hasn’t been there, but I am happy to announce that I realized I’m not the only one. I spoke with a girl in the office who has studied the Bible and translated it more than any person I’ve ever met, and she said it’s happened to her. So, dear one, you are not alone. If you’re feeling empty today, be reassured that God’s promises lie in His Word. Maybe that’s where the emptiness springs from: not focusing on what God has promised. Faithfulness. Grace. Hope. New mercies every morning. Every single morning, friends.

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We were created to be filled up. We were created to love. We were created to operate out of an overflow. We were made to meet our Maker. 

I think that every day of your life, God will equip you with Kairos moments, moments of impact. You just have to look out for them, and will you be willing to act on those moments? Will you live out what God has called you to do? I think that’s the ultimate question for all of us. I think sometimes we’re so scared that we won’t like what God has planned, so we keep trying to navigate life on our own and construct our own road map when it’s already been done for us. How freeing is it to know that God has each of our eternities in the palm of His hand? Rest in that. It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos, but stop today, and really listen to God. Embrace the moments He gives you. Make these moments of potential impact last. Make these moments of impact. And when you begin to question what God has called you to, just remember the wise words of Christine Caine: “God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called.” Talk about some words of wisdom.

Happy Wednesday, friends.

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